What Rape Feels Like

First you will be utterly confused. If it was a friend you loved dearly, you would confuse emotional abuse for consent. If it is an acquaintance, you will wonder what brought it on. You will even be happy for a few moments. Then it hits you. Someone did the unthinkable. Someone treated you like a whore. Someone tarnished your future experiences. They made it out to be a joke. The next day there is no trace of them. A year later they apologize to you as if it was nothing. It weighs on their conscience too. You think that saying its okay is the path to move on. Is it though? Every time a guy touches me without my permission, the flashbacks haunt me. I was young and gullible, never even been kissed. First I was shocked, then confused, then begging for him to stop. He was not human in that moment. There was something demonic to him.

It has been three years. I still remember everything. Every night it is a reminder of how I was not strong enough to get him punished. He is married now, living a free life…and I? I became a sex addict. It took a year for me to even be stable enough to find love again. He destroyed me, just as he created me. It is him who made me a writer. I don’t know if I should hate him or love him. But I am more mangled than I was before I knew him, and I am still trying to become whole again. I just got lucky to have someone who is with me despite my madness.

I am just waiting for karma to make him suffer. He is an alcoholic and a chain smoker. He will die early. As far as I am concerned, he is incapable of love. If someone can do something as monstrous as faking a friendship for 3 years just to get one night with an 18 year old virgin girl, it is not possible that they possess a heart. I refuse to believe he will ever have the kind of love I have. I remember the look in his eyes, as if I was chocolate cake and he had not eaten in days. There I was, helpless and regretful for letting him inside my car. That is the part that hurts the most. The guilt. The self blame. The how stupid I was.  But it taught me that the world can be very very evil. You better be careful of the wolves in this jungle.


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