Every time I want to step out of the house, my parents have their hearts in their mouths. So do I, in a lesser way. But I am not a girl who will stop living, eating breathing or meeting new friends. They worry. They ask me for phone numbers and message conversation screenshots. They follow me around even inside the house, when I talk on phone. When I am alone, I fear my own thoughts.
I keep wishing I had never gone out that night. But I was anxious to talk to another human apart from my parents. I wish I had listened to my intuition. The regret weighs heavy on my chest. I feel like becoming really ugly and fat. I stopped using make up and I stopped blow drying my hair. I tend to wear the oldest clothes I have. SO THAT NO ONE NOTICES ME. I don’t want to be ogled at. It used to make me feel good when someone looked at me and could not take their eyes off. Now I just wish to be invisible.
I cannot have sex anymore, because of the flashbacks. My relationship is affected. Every time I am with a friend, I start crying. First I seem hyper, then I become really quiet. Then the tears roll down both cheeks uncontrollably. They say when you cry simultaneously from both eyes, it is severe emotional, mental or physical pain. I started watching movies frequently to have other things to think about. I stopped feeling beautiful. Now I feel like I do not want to look pretty. I stopped making the effort to look presentable.
The nights are the hardest and my thoughts get more darker by each passing hour. I have morbid thoughts, more often than I blink my eyes. When I take a shower, the water seems heavenly, as if it will wash my memories away. I imagine it to be that way. Now music and dance is my only true savior. I hope, I will survive the wave of depression that looms close, and surf over it, rather than being swallowed by it…this hope is the only thing I have left.