My Love Hate Relationship With Myself

It has been said that self love is the greatest love, even greater than the love of two lovers. It is also the hardest thing. Who doesn’t want to be better than what they are? Finding faults within myself is so easy. I am not saying we shouldn’t be competitive but I go to the extent of seeing myself as “less” than the others. There are times when my head is filled with regret over how I can’t will myself to try harder simply because I am not motivated enough or my mind doesn’t want to make the effort. Maybe it’s the bipolar, the train of thought goes…but hey, I cannot blame all my failures on this mental condition because let us be honest, bipolar also taught me to love myself.

Yes, my emotional control isn’t the strongest. I can’t handle stress very well and I need like 10 hours of sleep a day to function. Most of the times I isolate myself because I have nothing new to share apart from stories about my bipolar episodes. I am not ashamed of it anymore but I don’t want to show it off either, so I keep mum. Daily, mundane conversations don’t interest me. Yet there are times. There are times when I find some lyrics that describe exactly how beautiful the emotions I experience can be. There are times I just keep staring at my curls in the mirror, just because they are so unique and no one else has them. There are times when even in my massive rage a little smile escapes my lips when I manage to overcome it. There are times when I can’t help but smile back at my own clever comebacks. The little things make me love myself.

Why do I dislike myself most of the time then? I think it is because I am a perfectionist and I have had this image in my head since childhood about a confident successful woman who I dream to be…and I am nowhere close. I am bordering on the lines of failure…mentally, socially, emotionally. I still am helpless without my parents at 22. I do not have much of a social circle. I failed to live up to the images I created inside my own head.

Maybe it was not meant to be. Self love is about accepting who you are. Life is not that short. Things will get better, provided you do your best. I am on the verge lowering my aspirations for I am losing time, and health. But I won’t back down and I will make it to 50 steps if not 100. Something is better than nothing. I too, am a creation of God. I am imperfect. I am beautiful. Success or failure need not make me undesirable. Because it is all about the image we have of ourselves.

 

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