My eyes flutter open as the faint morning light disturbs my sweet sleep. It’s 6 am and I know I am done sleeping but I get up, drink water and crawl back into bed. There is no will to leave this sweet abode. 7 am. Repeat. 8 am. Repeat. 9.30 am. Now I am hungry so I finally wake up. I check my phone, brush my teeth and head to the dining table. Eating is probably the only thing that gives me some sort of bliss. And then back to bed. Yes, I can feel you judging me for doing nothing. Until it is time to eat again.
That is when I finally have the energy to tell myself I have to do something. Study. Or else I stand the chance of failing again. This is my last chance. My last chance to prove to myself I can do this or lose my confidence yet again. Lose another year yet again. Fall behind yet again. Hence I haphazardly proceed with my course. Two hours later, I am exhausted. Switch to the different apps on my phone. Half an hour passes and I try to focus again. But the will is gone again. I try to remind myself how important this is…but my mind has delved into a darkness.
A darkness that sees a jobless useless life lying in some corner, dependent on someone else. The biggest loser is the one who thinks that they don’t have the power to do it. I become that loser. Everyone has given up on me. Including my parents. My own dreams are lost somewhere. I just want to pass. Everyday I just want to live. Not like this…a dead life, but one that makes me feel like I did what I should have done. So yes, I wake up, I do as much as I can, and yet there is no drive.
This is not how I wanted to feel at 23 years old. How can I not care about the future? How can I waste my present? But it all seems to not matter…I’ve forgotten how to live, yet I am able to do things, slow, but yes bit by bit I am able to do things. I just hope my little effort is enough to save my boat from capsizing, and to get to the other side of the shore…for winning the race is not on the cards anymore…